When in Doubt.

I talk to God often during the day.  It might be a silent prayer, or the words may be spoken out loud, leaving me to look bit conspicuous to anyone nearby.  My prayer on this particular morning was silent and the lyrics of the song "Here I am Lord" by Dan Shutte washed over me...

Here I am Lord.  Is it I, Lord?

I have heard You calling in the night

I will go, Lord

If You Lead me

I will hold Your people in my heart. 

I felt uplifted by these words, humming the song as I got ready for the day.  After I was ready, I needed a little more inspiration so I made an espresso and listened to Christian speaker Joyce Meyer's message on overcoming obstacles. Unfortunately, hearing a message and listening to it is not the same state of mind; I started thinking about obstacles, the future, current affairs and down the rabbit hole I fell.  

My future holds new adventures far from where I now call home, my daughter will be attending college, and my son will be graduating from college.  While it's both exciting to anticipate what life holds for them, for me and my husband - it's also a bit unsettling.  I was doing well, happy, positive and then "Wait! What?"  It was like my foot hit the brakes and I made an unexpected stop - and my heart was pounding.  

Have you had those moments? Everything is good.  It really is.  And, then it's debatably good. Like, it's good, but you question how good.  Or you question how long it will be good.  Or, is it really good?  You know what I mean. 

Even though I had just been praying and listening to how God can carry me during obstacles, I left my chair feeling less confident than when I sat down.  And I carried on thinking and doubting, until God sent me a message loud and clear. 

Two days later, on Sunday morning, I watched Facebook live as my pastor friend preached on the Gospel of Matthew.  It was Matthew 14:22-34 Jesus walks on water.  I have heard this story at least 50-75 times in my life!  I am being cautious to not over-estimate as I am terrible at math but, seriously,  it very well could be over 100 times, and not once do I remember hearing God speak to me the way He did on this particular morning.  It's like God was saying, "Laura, here it is.  One more time. Hear me now?"  

"Come," Jesus said. 

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.  "You of little faith, " he said, "why did you doubt?" 

Good question. 

I heard you, God.

I am the doubter.  

I recognized my doubt, right there, in the moment Jesus caught Peter.  I felt like Jesus was saying, "Laura, you of little faith, why did you doubt me?  I've got this all figured out."

Seems reasonable to think I heard and obeyed; but God knows me, and He wasn't finished. 

On Tuesday,  just two days after I heard the sermon on Jesus saving Peter (and me), a friend and I took a bike ride.  She told me about the homily she listened to on Sunday, the Gospel of Matthew, and how the words applied directly to her life - her worries and doubts.  I remained quiet, very interested in what she had to say but not sharing that I too had been thinking about the same story.  She said, the priest referred to the waves in the water being life - the tough stuff; and we are to keep our eyes on God and not the waves.  

Um, yeah, I hear you again, God.  

"Come, Peter.  Come Laura. Come, all who doubt."

As we finished our ride and drove into my driveway talking about life, the tough stuff - decisions, worries, Covid, school starting... we prayed.  Yep, right there in my driveway.  We held hands and prayed.  In that very moment God had carried me from doubt to peace.   Later that day, I received a text from my friend and one of the specific requests we had asked God, was answered.  God was addressing my doubt, as well as hers.  

Everyone, even when life is good, has had moments of doubt.  May I offer a little advice?  When in doubt, ask God for help!  Maybe say a quiet and simple prayer -  'Here I am Lord.  Take my hand and lead me.'  

God will meet you wherever you are - on the water or in the driveway.